But I want it - hmph!

So, I've gone dress shopping a couple of times in the last 6 months. The last time I went, my sister took me to Demetrio's. That's where her dress came from ... ahem ... I mean, her dresses. Yeah, she had two. Thanks to my dad.

So after going to a shop in the morning, and finding a dress that I could see myself in, I guess (plus it was only $500), we went to the next store. At first, I thought it was just another store. I didn't know that it's pricey in general. My sister should have told me that!

But then, I found the most beautiful dress. It was perfect. No bling, except for a tiny little feathery doohickey clipped on to the side below my waist. It was beautiful. And, although I wish I was the style maven that I see in girls around town, I'm not. It's not that I don't like shopping. I've just never been able to make it a priority, with all the other crap that goes in on life. (I KNOW there are people who can identify with me on that!)

And stupid me, after reading all I have in magazines and blogs about looking at the price first before you try it on and not even going down that route when something is outside of your price range (I'm such a dummyyyy!), I fell in love, and THEN looked at the price.

Cha-ching - $1,000

I mean, if things were okay right now (yeah, yeah the economy, but seriously! It is soooo scary right now), and not having a job (well only for another month or so, and it's about a 1/4 of the salary that I was getting in July), I just can't do it. I mean, I just shouldn't do it. I guess I could. But I don't want to dip into my emergency three-month money. You know, the money that keeps you from living on the streets. Yes, that fund. I'm lucky enough to have it. And I SHOULD NOT dip in.

But what's worse? They lady at the store said that the dress was a trunk show item. They were being shipped back to New York that night, and I couldn't take pictures, and because they're so new, they aren't on the web or in any catalogs.

Now, I HATE being pressured to buy something. I find it rude when people push you and don't pay attention to what you want. But in this case - I want it. And I want it BADLY. And every time I looked at the pictures of the dresses that I-guess-I-could-see-myself-in, they just looked so.....regular.

I talked to my dad the other day, to gauge whether he would even bring up the wedding, or even come close to asking how it's going. He didn't of course. Yeah, didn't even ask about the wedding at all. I guess I'm not surprised. He's always treated my sister differently than he has me. Granted, we weren't in the middle of this financial crisis during her wedding (12 years ago). And I know he's hurting. But still! He doesn't even ask! It's so infuriating.

(And I know I said that a dad section will be forthcoming, but thinking about him and all this family history makes me so angry and upset, that I just haven't wanted to dive into that. Plus, it would take me all day to type it out. But as usual when the topic turns to my dad, I digress.)

Where was I?

Oh yeah. I reeeeeeally want that dress. And I'm so bummed. Partially because I think I'm being a brat. But I never play this game. I usually accept that I rarely get what I want, and I just need to deal with it. But with 150 people looking at me on that one day, and Ryan and I looking at the pictures for the rest of our lives, why shouldn't I spend the extra $500, so that I can be happy?

Why? Because I'm broke. Dangit! Now what?

Invitations

I had the greatest idea ever - to design and print my own invitations!

Uh huh - until 6 months have elapsed and I'm finding that it's not as easy as I thought. Of course not!

Now I need ideas. I created a killer paisley design for the stationary. (I've gained some sweet photoshop skills in the meantime, which I have been trying to get for a while - yippee!)

But it looks like crap when I print it. Crap I say! I'm curious if I can create a stamp? But can I get the stamp pad in the color I like? Will it look ridiculous?

AND I'm broke. How do I do without spending my leg? (I've already spent my arm on other wedding related things....)

Fabulous!

So for a while now, I've decided that hot pink, tangerine and saffron yellow were going to be our colors. I know, it sounds hideous at first, but think of a bird of paradise. It has all of those colors and is friggin gorgeous.

But last Sunday after wedding dress shopping, my sister and I pulled out a couple of bridesmaids dresses in those colors and ... well, I love my girls! I don't want them NOT loving me. Especially if I make them buy a dress in a one of those colors. That would be mean.

So, I stumbled upon this blog just now, and just about fell off my chair! As a middle eastern, I LOVE the ethnic flair this picture inspires, and now, I'm thinking I want to change my colors to "tiffany blue" and "tangerine." Does that sound even more hideous? Check it out:

www.stylemepretty.com/2008/07/11/color-palette-contest-winners/

Yey I Get to Plan a Wedding :)

Okay, so it's not an entirely new thing. My boyfriend of 6 years and I (5 years when we got engaged) decided to get hitched in March. We picked July 18, 2009.

At first, I thought I was ahead of the curve. With over a year to go, we snagged a photographer and a dj; picked our colors, and decided to have the ceremony and reception in the garden of his parent's family home.

But now, holy shizzle. With, umm, nine months to go, it's freak out time. So much to do, and the clock is ticking. Apparently I need a dress, like now? And for goodness sakes, can a caterer just fall out of the sky with amazing food and affordable prices already? I'm dying here and they're trying to choke me with a chicken bone...and sticker shock.

Help!

I win! I win!

NO ITCHIES!!!! So far, I still feel zero itchies from the smelly body wash. And although I haven't gone through most of the clothes that I washed with gloriously smelly detergent, I haven't had an outbreak with the few items that I have worn.

Could it be? My days of being the vampire ("No, I can't go to your birthday barbecue because I'm allergic to the sun. Yes, yes, I know. Laugh it up..") are over!

I swear people, take this to heart. Use sunscreen early and often. Daily in fact. Slather your cute little babies with sunblock regularly, and get them in the habit of loving it. I promise to do it to my own one day ;)

I Love Being a Girl!

Stupid dermatitis. For 5 years, I have had to use all unscented products - laundry detergent, body wash, lotion, no perfume, and sunblock with zinc only!

No smell at all?! Sadly no. Without knowing exactly what sends my skin into a hissy fit, with little red bumps that look like hives, itching like crazy and burning like fire, everything smelly was considered an "irritant."

It all started on my face. I started waking up every morning with my eyes swollen shut, face on fire, itchy and puffy. So weird! At night, I would have to ice it to fall asleep, only to be woken an hour later by the intense burning and itching. Being the typical poor, college student, I had zero insurance and only the nice nurse practitioners at the school clinic to help me. Well, they didn't.

Their diagnosis: "You're allergic to the blue dye in your birth control pill. Stop taking it. Let's put you on something else. It may take a month to clear up though. Sorry honey."

They would look at me with sad eyes, unable to assist me further but clearly seeing my pain. My boyfriend was as supportive as he could be - constantly filling my bag up with fresh ice, replacing damp towels with dry ones, and rubbing my back when that was all that was left to do.

For a month, I had had zero sleep. I was going to school full-time, and was in the middle of finals. On top of that, I worked two jobs, and could not afford to take time off.

Then one day, my dad called. ("Dad" opens up a whole other aspect of my life. An entire category dedicated to him is forthcoming....) I immediately started crying. He asked what was wrong and I (as coherently as I could through my blubbering) explained what was happening to me. He immediately came to get me, and drove me to a dermatologist friend of his. (Way to go dad. Hmm....too bad this is one of the only times in the million that I've needed you, that you stepped up to the plate. But I digress).

The doctor took one look at me, sat me down, pulled out a big needle, and gave me a shot in my arm. Then he ordered me to stop using anything scented, and to stay out of the sun.

"You have contact dermatitis. Why didn't you come to me sooner dear?" He tsked, tsked as he turned around to put away his supplies. (Um, I don't know Dr. M, could it be because you charge $100 a visit?)

Within a few hours though, the itchies subsided! Can you believe it?! For goodness sakes, I got into one of the worse accidents of my life on the freeway because of the condition, driving back from school. My tips at work dipped down considerably because of my lack of attention (and my unappetizing appearance, I'm sure), and I had probably done a lot worse on two finals than I had hoped. But whew. It was over.

Since then, I have never had an outbreak on my face. Usually the outbreaks are on my arms. But I think I figured it out. It's really all about dry skin! So as long as I lather up with sunblock before a good spell in the sun, and make sure to lotion up afterwards, I'm relatively free of this whole bothersome issue. I've had outbreaks here and there, following times of laziness (and supreme stupidity). For instance, going for a long walk outside wearing a tanktop, and not putting sunblock on. Yeah. Bad idea.

But now! Now oh now! I decided it's been long enough with the unscented stuff. Which by the way, begins to pick up the smell of whatever container it comes in, since it has no smell of its own. Smelling like plastic sounds quite appealing, no?

Last week, I tried smelly body wash. Nothing floral or particularly odorriffic. Just a Dove body wash. And after waiting the 2-3 days that it normally takes for an outbreak to appear, I got ........... NOTHING!

And as I write this, I just started my first load of laundry with regular ol' smelly laundry detergent. I can't wait for the results! Whew, now that I think about it...I should have done a smaller load, just in case there IS a problem. Uh oh. Well, maybe I'll put aside an extra $100 dollars in case I need to make an emergency call to Dr. M's office. (Please oh please oh please work in my favor!)

Um....Okay. Let Me Start Over.

Woops! Did I start this off in that tone? I didn't mean to. I meant to start this blog off by introducing myself, and explaining the reasons for why I started it in the first place.

Apparently starting a blog at 1 am was a bad idea for me. It was full day of self-disappointment. By that time, all I could think of was how much I wanted to do, and how little I got done. And how confused I was about the lack of action behind the extreme desire. Ugh, here I go again.

So here goes. I would like to hear that I am not alone. I would like to hear peoples thoughts on things. Things like family and friends, work and home life, people in general, products they like, things they like to do, movies, books etc etc. See? That's easy enough, right?

Which Way Do I Go?

Oh yeah! Now I know why I started this whole thing to begin with. Direction - I'm in need of it.

Maybe this will be like when I spend a great deal of time trying to figure something out, but the second I say it out loud, I hear the answer in my own words. Maybe with some help, the gaps will be filled in and the answer will come by whomever decides to peruse these entries.

And for clarity's sake, allow me to state the following. I am not here to collect sympathies. I plan to be as honest with the details of my circumstances as possible. Some situations are downright crappy. Some are not (hooray!) I'm looking for an outside view. Because I am not, can not be, will not allow myself to be - crazy.

Is it weird to be in my mid-twenties, and lacking direction? Of course not! But as a very practical person, I started off thinking that I was doing everything right. If I did what my family expected of me, then no one could complain, and no one would have to worry, because they would know that I had a good head on my shoulders and everything under control.

I did it for them.

And now, I find that I did nothing for me. What a feeling, right? The freedom to realize that my time is now mine should be gratifying. And finally understanding the importance of following my dreams is, or at least should be - exhilarating.

But I find myself paralyzed. How do I start over? After playing Ms. Responsibility, I don't know how to go back. I just want to be like the other girls my age. The ones I hang out with once or twice a year, so I can feel normal. The ones with supportive parents. The ones that followed their dreams. The ones that only had to take care of themselves, and didn't feel obligated to make sure that their parents were in good health, that there was food on mom's table and medicine when she needed it.

What about me?

And then there's that other side that kicks in. The side that gets mad at the side that asks "what about me?" It asks, "What about you? What makes YOU so special? Your life is still better than millions of others, and you sit here feeling sorry for yourself. Jerk."

I always seem to lose this argument with myself. I make myself feel bad, and I shove the "selfish" feelings right back where they came from, put a smile on my face and continue on. I pretend it's okay, but something is missing. Something so big, it keeps me up at night.

What is it? And which way do I go to get it?

Hello World

Yes, hello world. Very nice to meet you. I have heard a lot of things about you. Oh yes, all of them good of course.

Why now? Well, I guess I'm excited, sad, anxious and confused. It's as though I see what others see, but I don't understand how they draw their conclusions. In hopes that others will help me make sense of my world, I decided to do this one simple thing. Blog.

Hmm. I "blog" now.

Listen to me. I say "I blog now" as if this is not one of those things that I promise myself I will stick with, only to abandon it after the first try. Why do we do that?

I'll have to think about that one and get back to you.

Hey. Thanks for coming by the way. I really appreciate it :)