No! No Dammit No!

No, I won't let this be my life. I will do something special. I will do the things I want to do. I will be happy. I will be healthy. And I will have something interesting to write about, rather than rantings and ravings of things past.

I swear sometimes it's like my head is going to explode with the back and forth. Am I crazy or am I just boring? Is there something wrong or am I just lazy? Am I lying to myself? I want to be like the Sara's of the world who laugh and are happy. I don't want to fake it. I want to FEEL it.

Why won't my body let myself do what my mind wants so badly?

This is ridiculous. Thank goodness nobody is reading.

WAIT! I forgot!

How could I forget my other secret ambition? To be able to sit around a campfire/bonfire/fake fire/fireplace, strum my guitar and sing popular songs that everyone knows the words to. On second thought, it doesn't have to be near a fire. But times like those are when guitar stringing cover song singers like me fit in the best.

Of course I have a beautiful guitar. I used to take lessons and they were going really well, but the instructor asked me to bring in music that I wanted to learn (which I did - Jack Johnson because I can sing his tunes really well...in my car at least) - and instead, he made me learn some song from the 80's that I had never heard of. It was an okay song, but not really. Not what I wanted. I lost motivation and I let the lessons go. He was GREAT teacher though, which makes this whole thing a bummer.

I've never really let anyone hear me sing. Except for my sister when I was little, and Scott every now and then. But despite us having been together for over six years, I have yet to really let him hear me sing. I'll belt out a tune as a joke here and there.

I want to sing at the top of my lungs! And now I'm at the point where I think I may suck and it's all in my head. No, I'm not awesome. But I have a versatile voice that would rock a campfire song. Come on!!!

Hope the Potential Job Covers...

....behavioral health services. I say that because I truly miss my therapist. I've only had a couple but this last one was really getting somewhere. Until I left my job, just a few months after I started with her. I was learning so much!

Like how when I just want to sleep the day away or just do nothing and then I get mad at myself for being so lazy - that there's a reason behind it. It's not just that my mom was lazy and I learned bad habits (although, I'm sure there is definitely something there) but it's being overwhelmed that puts me in an almost state of paralysis.

But now wait a second - this is where I stopped seeing her. I get all that with the overwhelming feelings that paralyze me into a blob. Except that now, I don't have all those things that I was worried about last year. I took care of them. The family is fine and I'm on me time. Of course, I still don't have a job, and the last day of my 3-month internship was last Wednesday. I've had some promising conversations with a local business owner, and I'll know more about it tomorrow at my (hopefully last) interview.

I know that is definitely weighing down on me. Here's what really gets me though....after almost 4 months of not having a real job, and knowing how much a lack of steady income stresses me out (like losing sleep and angry stressing), I can't get myself to work on my resume or cover letter much. Or do any aggressive job searching. THAT is the paralysis I'm talking about.

One time I told the therapist about a similar situation. I was complaining that I can't even get motivated to do the things that I WANT to do. Interestingly enough, she said that maybe those things AREN'T what I want. Wow. I never thought about it that way.

But seriously, I can't throw everything away and just audition for plays the rest of my life. What about Scott? As a business owner, there is no steady income for him. And right now, his services area luxury for some.

Oh my gosh, I'm getting anxious just mulling all these over in my head.

Calm down Laila. Drink your water. Peruse craigslist for a second. Write another post in 1o minutes.

What?! I got the part? But I didn't even audition! Yippee!

I know - it seems as though my posts come up in the same hour on the same day, and then the whole thing gets ignored for a couple weeks. I can't help it.

This hour is the one hour where I realize that I need to get the hell out of bed, start drinking water so that maybe I'll be hydrated enough to go the gym and run my arse off. It's the same hour that all of a sudden I realize that once I find that job I'm so anxiously looking for, that I can use my spare time to do what I've always secretly wanted to do - take part in a play.

So here I am, fifteen windows open, showing everything from overdone monologues to craigslist postings of whose holding auditions. Unfortunately I found that it's a bit more complicated than I thought. You mean I can't just walk on stage, read a paragraph, sing a few lines and wow the heck out of everyone?

Well shit. I don't have the motivation to do it any other way.

Which Way Do I Go?

Oh yeah! Now I know why I started this whole thing to begin with. Direction - I'm in need of it.

Maybe this will be like when I spend a great deal of time trying to figure something out, but the second I say it out loud, I hear the answer in my own words. Maybe with some help, the gaps will be filled in and the answer will come by whomever decides to peruse these entries.

And for clarity's sake, allow me to state the following. I am not here to collect sympathies. I plan to be as honest with the details of my circumstances as possible. Some situations are downright crappy. Some are not (hooray!) I'm looking for an outside view. Because I am not, can not be, will not allow myself to be - crazy.

Is it weird to be in my mid-twenties, and lacking direction? Of course not! But as a very practical person, I started off thinking that I was doing everything right. If I did what my family expected of me, then no one could complain, and no one would have to worry, because they would know that I had a good head on my shoulders and everything under control.

I did it for them.

And now, I find that I did nothing for me. What a feeling, right? The freedom to realize that my time is now mine should be gratifying. And finally understanding the importance of following my dreams is, or at least should be - exhilarating.

But I find myself paralyzed. How do I start over? After playing Ms. Responsibility, I don't know how to go back. I just want to be like the other girls my age. The ones I hang out with once or twice a year, so I can feel normal. The ones with supportive parents. The ones that followed their dreams. The ones that only had to take care of themselves, and didn't feel obligated to make sure that their parents were in good health, that there was food on mom's table and medicine when she needed it.

What about me?

And then there's that other side that kicks in. The side that gets mad at the side that asks "what about me?" It asks, "What about you? What makes YOU so special? Your life is still better than millions of others, and you sit here feeling sorry for yourself. Jerk."

I always seem to lose this argument with myself. I make myself feel bad, and I shove the "selfish" feelings right back where they came from, put a smile on my face and continue on. I pretend it's okay, but something is missing. Something so big, it keeps me up at night.

What is it? And which way do I go to get it?