Which Way Do I Go?

Oh yeah! Now I know why I started this whole thing to begin with. Direction - I'm in need of it.

Maybe this will be like when I spend a great deal of time trying to figure something out, but the second I say it out loud, I hear the answer in my own words. Maybe with some help, the gaps will be filled in and the answer will come by whomever decides to peruse these entries.

And for clarity's sake, allow me to state the following. I am not here to collect sympathies. I plan to be as honest with the details of my circumstances as possible. Some situations are downright crappy. Some are not (hooray!) I'm looking for an outside view. Because I am not, can not be, will not allow myself to be - crazy.

Is it weird to be in my mid-twenties, and lacking direction? Of course not! But as a very practical person, I started off thinking that I was doing everything right. If I did what my family expected of me, then no one could complain, and no one would have to worry, because they would know that I had a good head on my shoulders and everything under control.

I did it for them.

And now, I find that I did nothing for me. What a feeling, right? The freedom to realize that my time is now mine should be gratifying. And finally understanding the importance of following my dreams is, or at least should be - exhilarating.

But I find myself paralyzed. How do I start over? After playing Ms. Responsibility, I don't know how to go back. I just want to be like the other girls my age. The ones I hang out with once or twice a year, so I can feel normal. The ones with supportive parents. The ones that followed their dreams. The ones that only had to take care of themselves, and didn't feel obligated to make sure that their parents were in good health, that there was food on mom's table and medicine when she needed it.

What about me?

And then there's that other side that kicks in. The side that gets mad at the side that asks "what about me?" It asks, "What about you? What makes YOU so special? Your life is still better than millions of others, and you sit here feeling sorry for yourself. Jerk."

I always seem to lose this argument with myself. I make myself feel bad, and I shove the "selfish" feelings right back where they came from, put a smile on my face and continue on. I pretend it's okay, but something is missing. Something so big, it keeps me up at night.

What is it? And which way do I go to get it?